Today I was officially diagnosed with genital herpes. And I feel like I'm disgusting.

I have been stuck at home sick with mono for about 2 weeks now. I noticed pain about a week and a half ago but did not even think that it might be herpes. I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and before him I was with only one other person. That person was a virgin when I met him. Since I've always been faithful, my boyfriend is the only person who could've given it to me. I'll call him J. He has never shown any symptoms of having herpes. He is crazy in love with me and is taking this much harder than I am. He says he feels like a 'scumbag' for doing this to me. He is very confused about the whole situation.

Me? I'm actually not taking it nearly as hard for some reason. Maybe I'm just shocked and maybe it hasn't sunk in yet that I have herpes. I've honestly always thought of herpes as something that only 'sluts' get who sleep around with tons of people and cheat on their boyfriends. I've always been careful to make sure I don't get pregnant, but I didn't even think about getting an STD because J has never shown symptoms of anything and I went 6 1/2 months without catching anything. I never thought I would actually get it.

I feel like if J and I ever break up, I'll never be able to find anyone else. If things don't work out between us, my plan was to move to France (I speak French) to study. And I of course want nothing more than for things to work out between us, but if they ever don't I planned to find someone in France. I can't see that happening now. I feel disgusting and like no one else will ever want me now and I'm doomed to be single for the rest of my life if I'm not with J. I also wanna have children in a couple years. I'm a little concerned about giving it to my child. I know I can have a c-section, but I've always wanted to do it naturally. That might not happen now.

I've been in a lot of pain the past few days. Especially because the main site of the blisters is around my anus. This makes bowel movements extremely painful. I never wanted to go to the doctor (mainly because I was trying to keep all this a secret from my family) but J pretty much forced me to go. My family knows that something is up and I'm pretty sure they know what's going on. Before they never knew J and I even had sex (or at least they were hoping we weren't). I'm just so embarrassed about them knowing and J doesn't even wanna come to my house anymore because he is too ashamed. This is all just too much, especially with being sick with mono. Luckily the doctor gave me some vicodin which is helping tremendously.

I know this isn't the greatest blog, but I'm really tired right now lol. But I'm just really scared about this whole thing and shocked and I just don't know what to think. J and I are fighting a lot just because he's an emotional wreck about the whole thing and he tends to say a lot of things he doesn't mean.

I just need some encouragement.